Committed Relationships
Committed Relationships
by Jim Giorgi
At a recent meeting of the Integral Spirituality group that I host, I read the chapter on "Love, Relationships, Sex and Compassion from my book Between Yesterday and Tomorrow. In one paragraph, I referred to a quote from a spiritual teacher that was related to me by Stewart Emery (creator of the Actualizations workshop) in 1983. Although Stewart gave the source of the quote at the time, my memory is vague about the source. I have an intuition that it was Swami Muktananda, but I am not completely sure.
In any case, the quote read, "You cannot achieve enlightenment except in the context of a committed relationship."
A few days later, Steve, a regular attendee at our meetings, wrote the following to me:
"At the meeting you kind of got something past me that I didn't have a chance to ask about, in the chapter you read. It has kept gnawing at me. You said something to the effect that "some spiritual teachers" say that realization or maybe actualization was not possible without being in a committed relationship. Or that being in a committed relationship was essential for self-actualization. Can't remember exactly so please forgive me if I heard it wrong. However, I can't ever recall any spiritual teacher say such a thing. Not in Christianity, Buddhism, Zen, Taoism, Hinduism, Advaita, Tibetan, yoga, Gurdjieff, and many others, and I have read and listened to a lot of spiritual teachers.
If not in theory, maybe in practice - for example, the evangelistic Christians put a lot of emphasis on living a Christian life, which includes how you treat your spouse and your family. But even Christ said stay married if you are already, but don't get married if you're not. As for the Shiva/Shakti thing, I understand that as symbolic of nirguna brahman vs. saguna brahman. Personally, I don't count practitioners of Tantric sex as much other than pleasure-seekers, but even they don't talk about committed relationships. So I wonder what spiritual teachers these might be. People like Da Free John might have said such things, but he probably slept with 64,000 women so that doesn't really count.
Richard Rose [a spiritual teacher] said he never told his wife that he loved her because he didn't believe in lying. Once I heard him say, "You have to give up love in order to be Love." Ramana and Nisargadatta never said it as far as I know. From their point oif view, the person is a fictional entity, unreal, both in you and the other.
The guidance in that direction would be to realize the Self, and then you will resonate with the Self in everyone. It has nothing to do with a particular partner. I'm not saying that no author such as a pop psychologist or some new age teachers advocate this, but I don't read those people.
So you stumped me on that one.
My reply to Steve follows below:
I believe it was Swami Muktananda, but I'm not sure. The quote I heard was something like "you cannot achieve enlightenment except within the context of a committed relationship." Now, the hitch here is that he didn't mean necessarily a romantic man/woman (or same sex) marriage or committed life partner relationship. He meant that there had to be a commitment in the sense of continuing to provide unconditional love to the other regardless of the other's behavior. "Committed relationship" could mean a guru/devotee, a parent/child, student/teacher, friendship, or any other "nonsexual" relationship as well. It was the commitment that was the operative principle, not the form of the relationship. Because it is based on unconditional love which means total acceptance of the other because you realize that you and the other are the same, all part of the One. And it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to stay with the person all your life. It means that you don't reject the other, because ultimately we are in a committed relationship with every other sentient being and with the entire universe. So anyone or anything we reject separated us from the realization of our oneness with all. Which would necessarily preclude self realization, n'est-ce pas?
Hope this clears up the question.
Steve replied as follows below:
If that was the exact quote then I'd be suspicious of its honesty. It's likely that Muktananda was using it as bait for sleeping with his many devotees, as he did, including the now "Gurumayi".
If you're going to include it in your book, with honesty, it would be more accurate to say, "NO teacher said you can't achieve enlightenment without being in a committed relationship - except for Muktananda and a few other sex-hounds." ;-)
On its face it is an absurd statement. Furthermore it serves to promote the illusion of the person being a seeker and this illusory person needing to establish some kind of relationship with another illusory person. Honestly speaking, I have the feeling that you're fudging with your list of "other non-sexual" relationships. Devotion to the guru is a recognized spiritual path, but that's not what you're saying. Richard Rose used to say that there's no religion greater than friendship, but that's not what you said either.
This might be what they want to hear on Oprah but once you compromise with that you're headed down the greasy slope so many others such as Deepak Chopra have slid. (or is is "slidden" or "slud"?)
Again, the big business is in "relationships" - that's how books are sold. People who are experts on having affairs and breaking up over and over and over - now proclaim themselves experts on relationships and talk about how important they are. You and I both know the new age field is akin to the crab-mating season over on Cape Cod.
Anyway, if you're writing something that is your life's work and is supposed to be scientific, you know that "some people say" is what is called weasel words. Yow have to be specific, make an attribution, and say why this position is in the minority.
So anyway - you might want to revisit what you're actually trying to saying in that paragraph. Just a suggestion.
Steve then sent a follow-up message as follows below:
First you say that a committed relationship is not forever, which invites the question whether a one-night stand can be considered a committed relationship as long as you extend it at least until daybreak. You're saying that extending unconditional love is a prerequisite to enlightenment, which begs the question, because it presumes that a person can know that "all are one", and HOW all are one, and act on it, prior to realization. What you're advocating has the feel of a common, common rationalization - using the other person to get your needs met and then claiming you are offering love.
Isn't love easy to talk about and to claim? No proof is required. And if the claim is challenged the person just replies, "Well, you obviously are not a loving person because you challenge my claim." I could say that I love physics or that I love Albert Einstein, but that doesn't make me Albert Einstein. Young people like to talk about love because that's how they line up their sex partners. (Nothing wrong with sex, it's a good thing, but let's not pretend.)
Fifty and sixty year old people like to talk about love because it sounds good, they feel their spiritual attainments are as hollow as their material attainments, they are given deference by society saying such things, and nobody will ask them what they mean. I can't tell you how many "satsangs" I have attended that are populated by very weird people (with weird sex habits) who talk endlessly about their love.
My reply follows below:
This is going way beyond anything I intended by including that quote. My intention was simply to point out the it is at the point that people fall "out of love" that the greatest spiritual growth can occur IF they realize that they were falling in love with a projection of their own idealized other and that they are falling out of live with the projections of their own shadow, and that if they take responsibility for the things they "hate" about the other and release those issues, they can raise themselves to a higher spiritual level regardless as to whether they remain together as a couple. The commitment is the act of not blaming the other for your unhappiness and thinking that by leaving that person and finding another will make you happy.
Steve's reply follows below:
Great points, Jim. That's why I'm needling you - to make you dig deeper.
Actually, to the suggestible mind of the "spiritual seeker", your statement about relationships might be taken as actually the opposite as what you really want to say, meaning that they will continue to search out relationships rather than facing for once and for all their feeling of emptiness. "IF they realize that they were falling in love with a projection" - etc - If that's what you intended to say, you might want to just say that, rather than introduce an unproven opinion from an unknown source, that fails because it has the ring of an absolute statement of truth while it obviously isn't, and "some" (my sources, haha) spiritual sources are easily quoted to have expressed the contrary.
Just one guy's opinion.
My final reply follows below:
Point taken, I will rework.
Thanks,
I later talked with my student, Kate, about it. She had another, personal perspective on it which I've included here:
Sensei,
Interesting points on both sides.
To add my own "two cents"...(and one I can actually quote)
When you get to the point about projections and falling out of love - there's a novelist who hit me hard with her words when I was struggling with letting go of my ex. Karen Marie Moning in the first book of her "Fever" series has a scene between one of her main characters, Jericho, and a woman who "loves" him. She's basically prostrating herself in front of him and he disgustedly tells her (I'll bring you the exact text tomorrow as I don't have it in front of me) -- There you make the biggest mistake of Womankind - falling in love with a man's potential. We so rarely live up to it anyway.
And of course the foolish woman doesn't understand his words or his tone. But I got it loud and clear - I fell in love with all of my ex's best qualities and wanted to help him get out of his addiction with alcohol.
He did not truly want out and did not see himself as I saw him - and made my life pretty hellish trying to force me to really see and accept him for who he believed himself to be while at the same time manipulating me to continue to see the best in him. I had to accept that he did not want to be the best version of himself and I was destroying myself trying to force it.
I was talking to a friend the other night, telling her that he keeps coming back into my peripheral and I worry that it's karma - that there's something I'm not done with in regards to him...or he's just an idiot.
She said, "I'm pretty sure it's the second one" and suddenly, there it was - I have grown and changed so very much that even if he came to me sober and in AA...we have NOTHING in common. I cannot see him having dinner with us at your house and talking about spirituality and karma and cheering me on in aikido or allowing me the space to paint or... anything that makes me happy.
So that's my take on it :)
My response to Kate follows:
Very powerful, Kate, and very insightful. That's the gist of it...realizing that
even if he stopped doing all of the things he did to hurt you, you still have
nothing in common with him that would interest you in being any more than a casual
acquaintance.
And remember that whenever he "comes back", even in the periphery, a little EFT will
send those thoughts and images back into empty space.
:-)
Sensei
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2011




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Comments
He misses you Kate and speaks of you often. I bet he would be very interested and supportive in your activities. Being one of your best cheerleaders! :)
Dear Kate, I’m sure you realize there is a reason why he comes to you in a peripheral way. True love works in amazing ways at times.
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