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Theism and Atheism are opposite corners of the same prison cell. Nontheism is the key to escaping that cell. It is the transcendence of belief. ~ Jim Giorgi
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Committed Relationships

Committed Relationships

by Jim Giorgi

 

altAt a recent meeting of the Integral Spirituality group that I host, I read the chapter on "Love, Relationships, Sex and Compassion from my book Between Yesterday and Tomorrow.  In one paragraph, I referred to a quote from a spiritual teacher that was related to me by Stewart Emery (creator of the Actualizations workshop) in 1983.  Although Stewart gave the source of the quote at the time, my memory is vague about the source.  I have an intuition that it was Swami Muktananda, but I am not completely sure.

 In any case, the quote read, "You cannot achieve enlightenment except in the context of a committed relationship."

 A few days later, Steve, a regular attendee at our meetings, wrote the following to me:

 

 

"At the meeting you kind of got something past me that I didn't have a chance to ask about, in the chapter you read. It has kept gnawing at me.  You said something to the effect that "some spiritual teachers" say that realization or maybe actualization was not possible without being in a committed relationship. Or that being in a committed relationship was essential for self-actualization. Can't remember exactly so please forgive me if I heard it wrong.  However, I can't ever recall any spiritual teacher say such a thing. Not in Christianity, Buddhism, Zen, Taoism, Hinduism, Advaita, Tibetan, yoga, Gurdjieff, and many others, and I have read and listened to a lot of spiritual teachers.

If not in theory, maybe in practice - for example, the evangelistic Christians put a lot of emphasis on living a Christian life, which includes how you treat your spouse and your family. But even Christ said stay married if you are already, but don't get married if you're not.  As for the Shiva/Shakti thing, I understand that as symbolic of nirguna brahman vs. saguna brahman. Personally, I don't count practitioners of Tantric sex as much other than pleasure-seekers, but even they don't talk about committed relationships.  So I wonder what spiritual teachers these might be. People like Da Free John might have said such things, but he probably slept with 64,000 women so that doesn't really count.

Richard Rose [a spiritual teacher] said he never told his wife that he loved her because he didn't believe in lying. Once I heard him say, "You have to give up love in order to be Love."  Ramana and Nisargadatta never said it as far as I know. From their point oif view, the person is a fictional entity, unreal, both in you and the other.

The guidance in that direction would be to realize the Self, and then you will resonate with the Self in everyone. It has nothing to do with a particular partner.  I'm not saying that no author such as a pop psychologist or some new age teachers advocate this, but I don't read those people.

So you stumped me on that one.

 

My reply to Steve follows below:

 

I believe it was Swami Muktananda, but I'm not sure.  The quote I heard was something like "you cannot achieve enlightenment except within the context of a committed relationship."  Now, the hitch here is that he didn't mean necessarily a romantic man/woman (or same sex) marriage or committed life partner relationship.  He meant that there had to be a commitment in the sense of continuing to provide unconditional love to the other regardless of the other's behavior.  "Committed relationship" could mean a guru/devotee, a parent/child, student/teacher, friendship, or any other "nonsexual" relationship as well.  It was the commitment that was the operative principle, not the form of the relationship.  Because it is based on unconditional love which means total acceptance of the other because you realize that you and the other are the same, all part of the One.  And it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to stay with the person all your life.  It means that you don't reject the other, because ultimately we are in a committed relationship with every other sentient being and with the entire universe.  So anyone or anything we reject separated us from the realization of our oneness with all.  Which would necessarily preclude self realization, n'est-ce pas?

Hope this clears up the question.

 

Steve replied as follows below:

 

If that was the exact quote then I'd be suspicious of its honesty. It's likely that Muktananda was using it as bait for sleeping with his many devotees, as he did, including the now "Gurumayi".

If you're going to include  it in your book, with honesty, it would be more accurate to say, "NO teacher said you can't achieve enlightenment without being in a committed relationship - except for Muktananda and a few other sex-hounds."  ;-)

On its face it is an absurd statement. Furthermore it serves to promote the illusion of the person being a seeker and this illusory person needing to establish some kind of relationship with another illusory person.  Honestly speaking, I have the feeling that you're fudging with your list of "other non-sexual" relationships. Devotion to the guru is a recognized spiritual path, but that's not what you're saying. Richard Rose used to say that there's no religion greater than friendship, but that's not what you said either.

This might be what they want to hear on Oprah but once you compromise with that you're headed down the greasy slope so many others such as Deepak Chopra have slid. (or is is "slidden" or "slud"?)

Again, the big business is in "relationships" - that's how books are sold. People who are experts on having affairs and breaking up over and over and over - now proclaim themselves experts on relationships and talk about how important they are. You and I both know the new age field is akin to the crab-mating season over on Cape Cod.

Anyway, if you're writing something that is your life's work and is supposed to be scientific, you know that "some people say" is what is called weasel words. Yow have to be specific, make an attribution, and say why this position is in the minority.

So anyway - you might want to revisit what you're actually trying to saying in that paragraph. Just a suggestion.

 

Steve then sent a follow-up message as follows below:

 

First you say that a committed relationship is not forever, which invites the question whether a one-night stand can be considered a committed relationship as long as you extend it at least until daybreak. You're saying that extending unconditional love is a prerequisite to enlightenment, which begs the question, because it presumes that a person can know that "all are one", and HOW all are one, and act on it, prior to realization.  What you're advocating has the feel of a common, common rationalization - using the other person to get your needs met and then claiming you are offering love.

Isn't love easy to talk about and to claim? No proof is required. And if the claim is challenged the person just replies, "Well, you obviously are not a loving person because you challenge my claim."  I could say that I love physics or that I love Albert Einstein, but that doesn't make me Albert Einstein.  Young people like to talk about love because that's how they line up their sex partners. (Nothing wrong with sex, it's a good thing, but let's not pretend.)

Fifty and sixty year old people like to  talk about love because it sounds good, they feel their spiritual attainments are as hollow as their material attainments, they are given deference by society saying such things, and nobody will ask them what they mean.  I can't tell you how many "satsangs" I have attended that are populated by very weird people (with weird sex habits) who talk endlessly about their love.

 

My reply follows below:

 

This is going way beyond anything I intended by including that quote.  My intention was simply to point out the it is at the point that people fall "out of love" that the greatest spiritual growth can occur IF they realize that they were falling in love with a projection of their own idealized other and that they are falling out of live with the projections of their own shadow, and that if they take responsibility for the things they "hate" about the other and release those issues, they can raise themselves to a higher spiritual level regardless as to whether they remain together as a couple.  The commitment is the act of not blaming the other for your unhappiness and thinking that by leaving that person and finding another will make you happy.

Steve's reply follows below:

Great points, Jim. That's why I'm needling you - to make you dig deeper.

Actually, to the suggestible mind of the "spiritual seeker", your statement about relationships might be taken as actually the opposite as what you really want to say, meaning that they will continue to search out relationships rather than facing for once and for all their feeling of emptiness.  "IF they realize that they were falling in love with a projection" - etc - If that's what you intended to say, you might want to just say that, rather than introduce an unproven opinion from an unknown source, that fails because it has the ring of an absolute statement of truth while it obviously isn't, and "some" (my sources, haha) spiritual sources are easily quoted to have expressed the contrary.

Just one guy's opinion.

 

My final reply follows below:

 

Point taken, I will rework.

Thanks,

 

I later talked with my student, Kate, about it.  She had another, personal perspective on it which I've included here:

 

Sensei,

 
Interesting points on both sides.

To add my own "two cents"...(and one I can actually quote)

When you get to the point about projections and falling out of love - there's a novelist who hit me hard with her words when I was struggling with letting go of my ex. Karen Marie Moning in the first book of her "Fever" series has a scene between one of her main characters, Jericho, and a woman who "loves" him.  She's basically prostrating herself in front of him and he disgustedly tells her (I'll bring you the exact text tomorrow as I don't have it in front of me) -- There you make the biggest mistake of Womankind - falling in love with a man's potential.  We so rarely live up to it anyway.
And of course the foolish woman doesn't understand his words or his tone. But I got it loud and clear - I fell in love with all of my ex's best qualities and wanted to help him get out of his addiction with alcohol.
He did not truly want out and did not see himself as I saw him - and made my life pretty hellish trying to force me to really see and accept him for who he believed himself to be while at the same time manipulating me to continue to see the best in him. I had to accept that he did not want to be the best version of himself and I was destroying myself trying to force it.
I was talking to a friend the other night, telling her that he keeps coming back into my peripheral and I worry that it's karma - that there's something I'm not done with in regards to him...or he's just an idiot.
She said, "I'm pretty sure it's the second one" and suddenly, there it was - I have grown and changed so very much that even if he came to me sober and in AA...we have NOTHING in common.  I cannot see him having dinner with us at your house and talking about spirituality and karma and cheering me on in aikido or allowing me the space to paint or... anything that makes me happy.
 

So that's my take on it :)

 

My response to Kate follows:

 

Very powerful, Kate, and very insightful.   That's the gist of it...realizing that
even if he stopped doing all of the things he did to hurt you, you still have
nothing in common with him that would interest you in being any more than a casual
acquaintance.

And remember that whenever he "comes back", even in the periphery, a little EFT will
send those thoughts and images back into empty space.
:-)

Sensei


 

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Comments  

 
0 #5 RE: Committed RelationshipsChris 2012-01-18 18:26
He heard you load and clear. You should be very proud of that, as I’m sure you probably saved his life! So really it was the first one and he’s not an idiot. But I’m sure you already know that.
He misses you Kate and speaks of you often. I bet he would be very interested and supportive in your activities. Being one of your best cheerleaders! :)
Quote
 
 
0 #4 RE: Committed RelationshipsChris 2012-01-18 18:21
The real gist of all is – That you Kate touched his life so deeply, your love and belief in him has changed is life forever. You are the only one who has ever gotten to through to him. Basically you did achieve what you set out to accomplish.
Quote
 
 
0 #3 RE: Committed RelationshipsChris 2012-01-18 18:13
He quit the company he worked with for over 18 years. He then moved out of Miami to be closer to his family. He also is fulfilling his career goal as a DOE for multable properties. He is using his creative talents and knowledge to create a better workplace for others. I think that’s his motto now…
Quote
 
 
0 #2 RE: Committed RelationshipsChris 2012-01-18 18:11
Not long after the demise of your relationship with him, he himself (yes FR) had a life changing light bulb moment! He sobered up and has been sober for many years now. An active member in AA, helps others on a daily bases in and out of the program.
Quote
 
 
0 #1 RE: Committed RelationshipsChris 2012-01-18 17:55
Sensei - I would like to comment sending a message to Kate.
Dear Kate, I’m sure you realize there is a reason why he comes to you in a peripheral way. True love works in amazing ways at times.
Quote
 

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BrightPathway Blog Archive
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  21. by Jim Giorgi

     

    alt

    Referring to both the development of the human individual and the evolution of consciousness in humanity as a species, Carl Jung once stated, “We move from unconscious perfection to conscious imperfection to conscious perfection.”  Unconscious perfection is the state into which we are born.  Conscious imperfection is the state in which most of us find ourselves right now.  Concurrently, we desire to attain that state of conscious perfection that we dimly sense is there but can’t quite figure out how to reach. Nowhere is this process more succinctly epitomized than in the Four Noble Truths uttered by the Buddha in the first sermon he delivered after attaining enlightenment.  The first noble truth is “Life is Suffering”; the second is “Suffering is caused by separation which leads to attachment and desire”; the third is “Suffering can be transcended”; and the fourth is “The way to transcend suffering is by following the Noble Eightfold Path”.  The Noble Eightfold Path consists of Right Understanding and Right Intention (the province of Wisdom); Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood and Right Effort (the province of ethical conduct); and Right Mindfulness and Right Meditation (the province of mental and spiritual development).


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  22. by Jim Giorgi

     

    altI recently sent a copy of Between Yesterday and Tomorrow to a dear friend who is a wonderful spiritual teacher in the Siddha Yoga lineage.  He agreed to review the book and sent me the following comment referring to a sentence I had written in one of the chapters of the book (dealing with the Continuum Concept). The sentence he commented on reads as follows:

     

    "Life is suffering, the cause of which is the dysfunctional ego." (Which I stated was a paraphrase of the Buddha's first and second Noble Truths).

     

    My friend commented as follows:

     



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  23. by Jim Giorgi

     

    altAt a recent meeting of the Integral Spirituality group that I host, I read the chapter on "Love, Relationships, Sex and Compassion from my book Between Yesterday and Tomorrow.  In one paragraph, I referred to a quote from a spiritual teacher that was related to me by Stewart Emery (creator of the Actualizations workshop) in 1983.  Although Stewart gave the source of the quote at the time, my memory is vague about the source.  I have an intuition that it was Swami Muktananda, but I am not completely sure.

     In any case, the quote read, "You cannot achieve enlightenment except in the context of a committed relationship."

     A few days later, Steve, a regular attendee at our meetings, wrote the following to me:

     


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  24. by Jim Giorgi

    altMy student, Kate, had something to share with me recently.  She wanted to discuss a passage she read in a novel that resonanted with her and she wanted to get my perspective on it.  We also talked briefly about her personal experiences and I agreed with her that it was not only a powerful passage in the novel but that her vantage point after personal experience was sound. 

    The passage involves gaining a sense of accomplishment in life.  Kate wrote an article to share regarding not only the passage she read, but how she felt about it and our discussion as well.


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  25. by Jim Giorgi

     

    alt“The Messiah will come only when he is no longer necessary; he will come only on the day after his arrival; he will come, not on the last day, but on the very last.” ~ Franz Kafka, Parables and Paradoxes

     

    I have paraphrased Kafka’s gloomy observation to read: “The problem with the Second Coming is that it will occur one day after the end of the world.  It will occur only after all hope has died.”

     

    We are in the midst of Holy Week, the most solemn time period in the entire Christian liturgical calendar.  Holy Thursday is the evening of the Last Supper and the evening on which Jesus was betrayed into the hands of his enemies for crucifixion.  Many believe that Good Friday, the day upon which Jesus was tortured and condemned, was crucified and died, is the darkest of all days.  I believe instead that Holy Saturday is the darkest day, and yet, the most important day to experience consciously and fully if there is to be any possibility of “salvation.”

     


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  26. by Jim Giorgi

     

    altMy student Kate has been working with me not only on the mat in Integral Aikido but with EFT.  She's been working on building her own Integral Transformative Path before we met through some intellectual and spiritual pursuits.  One of the things that she's finding on her personal path is happiness through writing and she often shares pieces with me that involve our work together.

    Before she went on a trip to visit family and friends, she shared with me some concerns she had with my wife and me.  Over lunch, we worked on some EFT to help her put her emotions in perspective.  When my wife and I picked her up from the airport, we could see that she had deeply enjoyed her trip.  She shared the story with me and I encouraged her to write about it.

    Here follows Kate's story about her trip:


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  27. by Jim Giorgi

     

    altA few days ago I was experimenting on CreateSpace (Self-Publishing service), putting together the cover of my forthcoming book Between Yesterday and Tomorrow.  Not completely satisfied with the stock artwork on their cover creator program, I started looking through my collection of photos through the years to see if I had one that would fit the bill.  When I mentioned my quest to Sveta, she said that she had an online friend (Max) who lives in Russia who is an amateur photographer and has a site with many photos that might be appropriate.  She went to the site and found several promising candidates, and showed them to me.  I chose a beautiful shot of a lake with a mountainous background, a setting sun and a circle of ripples in the foreground of the lake.  Sveta asked Max if he would consent to my using his photo as my book cover and he gladly consented.  Here’s the photo.


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  28. By Jim Giorgi and James Williams, Sensei

     

    altJohn Begue, one of the students at the Port Allen NGA dojo who studies under Sensei Troy Maranto, saw this question on the System of Strategy Facebook page of James Williams, Sensei.  From reading my books, John knew that I had some knowledge in this area of interest and referred the question to me for my opinion.  Below I have reproduced the exchange as it took place on the System of Strategy page on Facebook over the past few days.


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  29. by Jim Giorgi

    altOne of my students posed some questions to me recently regarding moving on from toxic relationships.  Moving out of the relationship to a place of healing is challenging, often dishearteningly so in the beginning stages.  Working through the emotional pain is an individual path but there are some powerful tools to be found in mindfulness, meditation and EFT.  Moving on from any negative, emotionally charged situation takes time and work to heal.  The important point to remember is to be mindful of triggers that bring unnecessarily negative emotions so that you can continue your path to break the attachment and the hold over your daily life.  What follows here is our email conversation addressing the challenges presented after the dissolution of a relationship:


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