Toxic Relationships
Toxic Relationships
by Jim Giorgi
One of my students posed some questions to me recently regarding moving on from toxic relationships. Moving out of the relationship to a place of healing is challenging, often dishearteningly so in the beginning stages. Working through the emotional pain is an individual path but there are some powerful tools to be found in mindfulness, meditation and EFT. Moving on from any negative, emotionally charged situation takes time and work to heal. The important point to remember is to be mindful of triggers that bring unnecessarily negative emotions so that you can continue your path to break the attachment and the hold over your daily life. What follows here is our email conversation addressing the challenges presented after the dissolution of a relationship:
Sensei,
After you walk away from a toxic relationship and you begin to get stronger but you suffer bouts of loneliness...how to you manage the fear that you'll never find another? Feelings that maybe you were wrong to abandon this other for yourself; that it was selfish and you are being punished by God/the Universe? That being in that particular familiar mess is easier/your destiny rather than living in the unknown of your new life?
My response:
There's an old saying that "readiness is not mastery." Just because you are ready to make a decision to move ahead past a toxic situation that you have been attached to (and that could be ANY situation, not just a relationship) and you do so does not mean that, psychologically, neurologically and spiritually, you have "all your ducks in a row." In other words, you are committed to breaking the attachment, but the process of making a permanent leap to a higher level of consciousness will take some time as you "clean out your psyche" of all of the underlying issues that are comprised by the target issue that you are addressing. This is likened to someone deciding to quit smoking, and doing so, but then having frequent or occasional cravings which then need to be "overcome" in some way or another.
"Fear that you'll never find another?" Let the "other," the RIGHT other, find you, the new, improved you.
"Wrong to abandon the other for yourself?" You have to love yourself first (meaning to value yourself and your integrity) before you can have any love to share with another. You haven't "abandoned" the other, just given him the opportunity to do what HE needs to do with his life as well...come to grips with his attachments and self-loathing and release them so that he can value himself and his integrity as well. Acts of enabling, as sympathetic and helpful as they may appear, simply prolong and support the other's self-abasement.
"Punished by God/the Universe?" God/the Universe is perfect, all loving and all embracing. There is no punitive "God." WE are the ones who punish ourselves by holding on to ideas and beliefs that we are separate from the universe and God and that we don't amount to anything unless we have the trappings of success - relationship, money, career, house, car, etc. etc. - that society keeps telling us we need to possess in order to be what is considered a "success." That's all Bulls**t. Release the idea that you are being punished and you will see that you are, always have been and always will be, perfect and complete, swimming in joy.
"...being in that particular familiar mess is easier/your destiny rather than living in the unknown of your new life?" Well, look at the "devil you knew" (that toxic relationship) and your new life (the "devil you don't know"). Which feels better when you compare them side by side? Which makes more sense? Which one holds the promise of growth rather than the reality of stagnation, pain and negativity? Does that make the choice clearer?
Bottom line: Attention and mindfulness are the keys to transcending these residual attachments. Just look at them for what they are, with love and appreciation for how they served you to keep you safe in the past, but they are "burdens" now. Embrace and release. If you can do this just with meditative attention, all the better. But if it's tough to let go of the feelings, well, that's why we have the "big guns" of EFT. "Even though I'm regretting moving on with my life and leaving a toxic relationship behind, I deeply...." EFT is the solution when mental processing and mindfulness just don't work fast enough.
Remember that all those feelings of regret or anxiety you refer to in your message are just that...FEELINGS!! They have NO reality or meaning other than the meaning you give to them. That is the true power of who you are. So, are you going to accept your power or are you going to give those negative thoughts and feelings permission to have power over you? Are you the slave or the master?
Does that address and answer the question to your satisfaction?
Love,
Sensei
My student’s response:
Sensei,
Your words certainly make sense - especially when you liken a toxic relationship to an addiction that, even after you leave, carries with it cravings that will need to be addressed. I'm not sure I've ever thought of it so naturally before but, as you mention, with mindfulness comes the next step of addressing it. And I'm glad you mentioned letting go of the other to address not only your feelings of incompleteness but also to allow the other to pursue their path. I cannot help but be calmed thinking that, in rescuing yourself, you are opening a door for the other to rescue himself if he so chooses. Letting go of the concept of a punitive God is quite difficult for some people because, as you hint, people project their behaviors onto God. Do you find that, in the case of a deep seated belief in a vengeful God, EFT is...well, if not easier perhaps almost necessary?
My response:
Yes, a toxic relationship is an attachment like any other addiction.
When one person in a relationship is ready to grow and the other avoids or resists that growth, then for the sake of both of them, the relationship needs to change or else only negativity can ensue from remaining together. What you did with your ex was the most compassionate and helpful thing that you could do for him, AND for you!!!
Yes, a "punitive God" is a holdover from childhood days and has no place in a mature psyche. We only punish ourselves, with our own thoughts.
We can stop any time we want.
Is EFT necessary? For most people, yes, because there is such a high level of resistance to letting go of their self-inflicted misery and the beliefs from which that misery springs.
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2011




I want to share with you my story of The Gift of the Katana as a way to demonstrate what I am teaching you about the Power of Intention.
I have been very busy this last month making videos for "


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